My wife jokes correctly points out that if left to my devices, I’d eat pizza every day. Which isn’t entirely true as I’d throw some chicken strips in there (the good ones mind you), but it would more often than not involve a 425 degree oven. Consequently, on the rare occasion she is unavailable to cook a meal for the fam, I fall into my bad habits and my affair with “Jenny” is re-ignited [she’s a low-end gas Jenn-Air that is past her prime].

I deviated from my usual stroll through the pizza isle and rather than sticking with the tried and true, I took a hunger-induced chance with something that caught my eye…

Maybe the actual pizzeria can do it right. But the frozen version of this thing was a God awful bastard. This pizza was not a home run…it was in fact one of the worst frozen pizzas I’ve ever encountered….and trust me I’m not a Michelin-caliber critic of pizza, particularly when drinking, so it takes a lot to dissuade me from consuming something I worked so hard to bake at 425 for 12-15 minutes. This was Pizzaster 2018. It tasted more like this:

I’ve never in my entire life not at least eaten a “no thank you” slice/pizza…even if I’m completely annihilated and we’re talking rural Mexico gas-station pizza desperate…this was horrible.

The crust was like a matted aggregate of BK croissan’wich buns held together with the wood glue and failure.

Now I rarely judge a pizza by it’s ingredients list [unless said list includes cilantro] but holy Ghost of Christmas Past this makes even me nervous to consume:

 2520 calories, 192g carbs [after subtracting 12g for dietary fiber], 48g sat fat, 5640mg of sodium…Jesus I’d be better off eating a few pallets of McDonald’s chicken nuggets…or literally 5 or 6 BK croissan’wiches.

Needless to say, my brain got the better of this one [“Curse you! You may have won this battle but you’ll lose the war!” -stomach] and this shit went right to the garbage….after picking off a few cheesy lumps of pepperoni and sausage turdlets.