Nothing says America more than obesity, ethnocentrism and a day of gluttony and excess alcohol consumption interrupted only by naps, sports and more food.  This latter trait is on ample display every Thanksgiving (not to mention Christmas, New Year’s, the 4th of July, birthday parties, the Superbowl, pretty much any weekend/holiday/vacation).  And nothing says Thanksgiving more than midnight pizza while probably making some inebriated bad pre-black Friday decisions after gorging oneself on turkey and the fixins only a few hours prior.

I don’t even know what this thing was called, something playing on the word ‘Mozzarella’ to imply a healthy…..er, unhealthy amount of some white cheese claiming to hail from Italy…definitely not worth the 1000 regretful calories or whatever it was…but wtf, it’s Thanksgiving.

Note: the red arrow above is pen my 2yo sribbled onto our coffee table, and the lighter area in the middle is my genius attempt to remove said pen mark with a GermX alcohol wipe, which most people would realize would probably take the finish off of a coffee table but not this dad!  It’s actually worse than it looks (there are several additional pen marks and corresponding pale areas…because why would I do a ‘test wipe’ first?), but the matching console table has an equal amount of breast milk stain, finger grease marks, and “invisible pen” marks from those damn pens that only show up on magical paper…and console table tops, so at least it matches.

The dude has some epic “cheat meals”…or what I like to call Saturday night dinner…but it’s much easier to justify a 10,000 calorie meal when it’s your job to turn that bolus into camera-worthy beef that translates into millions of dollars as opposed to simply conferring additional risk factors for acute coronary syndrome.  I don’t have Instagram, because I’m old / don’t care about what people are doing at random moments throughout the day, but I respect anyone that respects a healthy amount of pizza indulgence and chronicles it for the masses.

Another fine example of the Spartacus (chronicled in an earlier post, though truthfully I had forgotten how delicious this pie was) alongside a sorry excuse for free kids pizza. Because let’s face it, kids have no appreciation for toppings outside of pepperoni, and they’re generally a horrible judge of value, and the best way to acknowledge this is to leave them in the car give them their own personal cheese pizza while Dad indulges in heartburn and the prelude to a nap.

 

The only thing better than a brick oven pizza is half-price brick oven pizza and several half price beers during happy hour at Eatery A. This beautiful specimen demonstrates the harmonious combination of local Italian sausage, mushrooms and leeks…or as they are otherwise known, the national emblems of obesity, weird people who probably live in the Pacific Northwest, and Wales.

 

The age old question: squares or triangles? If you’re not an idiot or Justin Bieber, the answer is quite easy, with one single solitary exception that hinges entirely on the sausage:pizza ratio.

The sausage:pizza ratio follows the Pythagorean theorem, which states that the squares of the pizza are equal to the sum of the squares if each square is accompanied by a piece of sausage. IE the sausage:pizza ratio needs to be pretty darn high in order to justify breaking from the triangle requirement. Most purveyors of pizza cannot accomplish this feat. Few have tried and have succeeded, one such being Sammy’s Pizza.  If you find yourself dining in one of their fine establishments, be sure to tell them Joe from the pizza blog sent you. They’ll have no idea what you’re talking about, but it’s worth a shot.

 

Fellow pizza aficionado Griff shared with me his recent purchase.

Seasons do change, and along with them, our expectations, self respect and will power, particularly in the fall. Fall is the best season for a number of reasons: football, Oktoberfest, Halloween, Thanksgiving…and the shameful amount of calories consumed with little excuse other than “It’s football season” [4 months long], “It’s Oktoberfest” [~1 month long], “It’s Halloween [at least 2 weeks worth of mini Milky Ways, Swedish fish and those gross peanut butter candies in orange and black wrappers] and “It’s Thanksgiving” [at least 1 week of >5000 calorie days and additional football-related calories].  And fall is of course followed by the downward spiral of winter / Christmas / “anything goes until the snow melts”.

But that’s why God invented sweatpants and couches, so buck up and enjoy the cold weather until your sense of remorse, self loathing and atherosclerosis prompt you to get back on track for a few months of kidding yourself that size small medium actually fits before we do it all over again.

This hot little number is from Gusto Pizza…spicy capicola, ham, basil and giardiniera on an olive oil-brushed thin crust, topped with marinara and mozzarella…just the right amount of meat & heat for a cold fall  day.

 

I’m not a believer in the gluten-free craze. While I acknowledge that there are people with genuine Celiac disease,with varying severity, a large number of people simply think they have Celiac disease…and the food industry is more than happy to oblige and provide them with gluten-free options…most of which come at a premium price.

The one benefit gluten-free offers the non-Celiac crowd is a ‘crunchier’ option…while this is fine for the breading of chicken nuggets or fish or the Airfyer-beige-frozen-item-du jour, gluten-free pizza crust can be a pizzaster.

Enter the gluten-free snarsage pizza I tried to enjoy last night [complete with $4 upcharge]…I say ‘tried to’ because while I respect a healthy amount of crunch (my initial reason for selecting the gluten free item), my teeth hurt. Cornmeal is generally a big part of gluten-free stuff…didn’t taste much in terms of cornmeal but there was a distinct gluten-free bread-ish taste…my spidey pizza sense picked up on this nastiness after bite one…though I tried to stomach my way through because my stomach was digesting itself I was so hungry.

No pictures; none were worthy. I’m rather embarrassed and ashamed of this pizza imposter.

Silver lining: the cheese and sausage were good.

Bonus silver lining: the carbs I saved avoiding most of the crust I can dedicate to a genuinely good pizza and/or beer…probably ‘and’. Yeah definitely ‘and’. A genuinely good pizza and beer.

Unfortunately my pizza consumption has dropped precipitously…with two young male offspring, my exercise pizza-related-weight-gain-compensation-method has morphed into sedentary form, which includes limiting calories and carbs, the latter of which means no/minimal pizza and/or no/minimal beer…there are low calorie & low carb alternatives to beer to fulfill the same role/purpose (wine, gin, bourbon, single malt scotch, vodka, low-calorie alcoholic lady drinks) which I have in ample supply, however I have yet to discover a low calorie & low carb alternative to pizza that fulfills the same role/purpose…until I locate a good purveyor of cheese or cauliflower crust pizza (so called “naked pizza”), I’m in a very very dark place and left to binge on turkey pepperoni nachos.

 

I have nothing to contribute today.